Did you ever want to die?
I’m not talking about that ultra messy cry for help where you consciously or sub-consciously don’t actually want to die, but you’re just seeking relief from the pain.
I’m talking about the reality that you truly do not want to inhabit this earth anymore.
I knew this girl.
But, more than knowing her, I knew her facade. I knew the bravado she showed the world. She was smart. She had a lot to offer. She’d even been told by a few that she was beautiful (in her hunger, she believed them, too).
Mostly, men were careful with their words with her, not wanting to commit or lead her on. For some reason, she tended to draw those that merely wanted to use her.
The lies were the worst….like lashes from cat-o-nine tails across her exposed skin, every. single. time. They killed her and the liars never seemed to get this. The thing no one knew was the fact that it was always lies from her childhood on that ruined her life. And not one person who lied to her (or about the things they’d done that hurt her) had the guts to admit those lies.
This was unrelentingly confusing to her because all she ever wanted and desperately needed was love. Love that she just never got. She tried to love a few, but she just never got it right.
I suppose if there was anything she’d ever want to say, she’d thank everyone who ever even slightly gave a shit about her. The small kindnesses were the most meaningful to her. She’d probably also say that she’s grateful for the smiles, the rare laughter she was able to give.
She’d also say that she was sorry because after all is said and done, she failed.
Truth is, all she really ever needed was for one person to show up for her and just love her, be on her side, care for her, have her back. She never had that in her life. Instead, she was the one people drew from. She was expected to listen but when she was in need, she never had the solace or strength she needed and she never found it in those who drew from her. She busted her ass to fill others’ tanks, but not a single soul on this jacked up planet even added to hers, let alone filled it.
But, oddly, she was ultra good at making everything okay; making everything look okay; making everyone feel at ease.
It wasn’t real, obviously. Nothing was ever okay for her.
And, truth be told, she hated this place so much. She hated herself, she hated the hurt, the pain, the dishonesty, the deception, the anti-thesis of the love she desperately needed. She told me once that there was not one single night that she didn’t fall asleep telling herself, “You’re so useless. You’re worthless. You’re garbage. You’re unlovable.” To her, the proof was in the excruciatingly painful emptiness she lived in…right there in plain sight of everyone….and everyone missed it. They weren’t looking when she finally slipped away. They never even knew she was gone.
She tried hard to make it work, to make everything work. She gave it every chance. Especially after trying to kill herself on several occasions, she gave in and tried to meet her expectations of whatever her purpose was supposed to be here. She never quite figured out what that purpose was and she was left with the conclusion that she didn’t have one.
She never stood a chance, really. The pain she lived with daily was probably enough for ten lifetimes and ten times as much as most people could even fathom, let alone bear. The shit she carried…most people she met couldn’t even grasp, let alone believe she’d actually survived.
There were countless times in her life when she felt like she’d actually died the first time she tried to kill herself, when she was just a teenager. She thought her life….was hell. Not the “oh, poor me, I’m in hell!” kind of hell. Truly, the real hell. That’s how much pain she had and no one ever saw it, not one, not once.
Yet, strangely enough, she was always looking for that one person who would stop and say…I see you. I witness you….your pain…your reality…and I accept you. I love you, just the same. She wasn’t greedy. All she needed or wanted was just one person to fill that role. She wanted love so badly…and if ever there was anyone on this earth who needed it, it was her.
These days, I have no idea where that girl is and I wouldn’t know who she is, either. I wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a line up or even recognize her through glass.
She’s gone now, broken. No one lasts forever, after all.
The last time I saw her, I know she was more determined than ever to get it right this time.