❦ Broken ❦

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Did you ever want to die?

I’m not talking about that ultra messy cry for help where you consciously or sub-consciously don’t actually want to die, but you’re just seeking relief from the pain.

I’m talking about the reality that you truly do not want to inhabit this earth anymore.

I knew this girl.

But, more than knowing her, I knew her facade. I knew the bravado she showed the world. She was smart. She had a lot to offer. She’d even been told by a few that she was beautiful (in her hunger, she believed them, too).

Mostly, men were careful with their words with her, not wanting to commit or lead her on. For some reason, she tended to draw those that merely wanted to use her.

The lies were the worst….like lashes from cat-o-nine tails across her exposed skin, every. single. time. They killed her and the liars never seemed to get this. The thing no one knew was the fact that it was always lies from her childhood on that ruined her life. And not one person who lied to her (or about the things they’d done that hurt her) had the guts to admit those lies.

This was unrelentingly confusing to her because all she ever wanted and desperately needed was love. Love that she just never got. She tried to love a few, but she just never got it right.

I suppose if there was anything she’d ever want to say, she’d thank everyone who ever even slightly gave a shit about her. The small kindnesses were the most meaningful to her. She’d probably also say that she’s grateful for the smiles, the rare laughter she was able to give.

She’d also say that she was sorry because after all is said and done, she failed.

Truth is, all she really ever needed was for one person to show up for her and just love her, be on her side, care for her, have her back. She never had that in her life. Instead, she was the one people drew from. She was expected to listen but when she was in need, she never had the solace or strength she needed and she never found it in those who drew from her. She busted her ass to fill others’ tanks, but not a single soul on this jacked up planet even added to hers, let alone filled it. 

But, oddly, she was ultra good at making everything okay; making everything look okay; making everyone feel at ease.

It wasn’t real, obviously. Nothing was ever okay for her.

And, truth be told, she hated this place so much. She hated herself, she hated the hurt, the pain, the dishonesty, the deception, the anti-thesis of the love she desperately needed. She told me once that there was not one single night that she didn’t fall asleep telling herself, “You’re so useless. You’re worthless. You’re garbage. You’re unlovable.” To her, the proof was in the excruciatingly painful emptiness she lived in…right there in plain sight of everyone….and everyone missed it. They weren’t looking when she finally slipped away. They never even knew she was gone.

She tried hard to make it work, to make everything work. She gave it every chance. Especially after trying to kill herself on several occasions, she gave in and tried to meet her expectations of whatever her purpose was supposed to be here. She never quite figured out what that purpose was and she was left with the conclusion that she didn’t have one. 

She never stood a chance, really. The pain she lived with daily was probably enough for ten lifetimes and ten times as much as most people could even fathom, let alone bear. The shit she carried…most people she met couldn’t even grasp, let alone believe she’d actually survived.

There were countless times in her life when she felt like she’d actually died the first time she tried to kill herself, when she was just a teenager. She thought her life….was hell. Not the “oh, poor me, I’m in hell!” kind of hell. Truly, the real hell. That’s how much pain she had and no one ever saw it, not one, not once.

Yet, strangely enough, she was always looking for that one person who would stop and say…I see you. I witness you….your pain…your reality…and I accept you. I love you, just the same. She wasn’t greedy. All she needed or wanted was just one person to fill that role. She wanted love so badly…and if ever there was anyone on this earth who needed it, it was her.

These days, I have no idea where that girl is and I wouldn’t know who she is, either. I wouldn’t be able to pick her out of a line up or even recognize her through glass.

She’s gone now, broken. No one lasts forever, after all.

The last time I saw her, I know she was more determined than ever to get it right this time.


~Just Me~

71 thoughts on “❦ Broken ❦

    1. There is a tremendous amount of sadness in the world, right? Thank goodness for the happy times and the laughter! Hugs…thank you so much for dropping some fairy dust on my dark little blog! 😉

  1. So powerful, and so familiar! That beautiful girl is not alone. Been there 💐💞
    Hugs,
    ~The Silent Wave/Who Loves Kitty blog writer/Laina 🌟🌟

    1. Well, I think it’s time for some funnies after this…mini donkeys always make me laugh (nothing like a little ass to lighten the mood, huh?). Thank you so much for being a part of my blog journey, Og. Your blog is a mainstay of mine. Hugs. JM

  2. My dearest K,

    You move my soul yet again with your depth and your insight. You better be lounging in the sun this morning (having charmingly forgotten the people who love you today). 😉 Please, please call me or text me when you get this. I love you, sis.

    Mitch

  3. Another Lovely post again I agree with the Blogger who said it was poignant and sad My daughter who was detained in Mental Health facilities because of psychological abuse she suffered self harmed quite badly she is now on the road to Recovery but I could feel every word you spoke because Hazel was very close to that situation Thank you for putting it in such a sensitive and appreciative way you touched my heart again as you always do with your posts.

    Laurencexxxx

    1. Laurence,

      I’m sorry your daughter has suffered in this way, but happy to see that she is on the road to recovery. She’s lucky to have such a caring papa to see her through. 🙂

      Have a beautiful evening.

      ~JM

  4. Beautiful girl……🦋🌹🎶💞❤️💋🐒🌺💝🐾

    Weird that you would mention this, today, K. 🙂

    I too, happen to know a girl. And besides teaching me everything I ever wanted or needed to know about paragraphs ;), there’s more to her story:

    She is the epitome of radiance. She has this sunny personality that just grabs your heart and pulls you in and never lets go. She’ll make you smile every single day and when she makes you laugh, you laugh like you’ve never laughed before. She’s edgy, but soft. She’s the best conversationalist I know. She makes you feel the warmth of the sun on even the coldest days.

    If she has any one flaw at all, it’s that she loves too much and she doesn’t look after her heart enough. And from what I know of her, I understand, because how does one learn to love themselves enough to protect themselves when they’ve never been taught that? She always has that soft spot for the underdog and this gets her into trouble, sometimes. 😉

    This girl I know overcame immeasurable odds and beat them to become a fierce contributor to society and to everyone close to her. She’s generous to a fault.

    It’s hard not to love a girl like that.

    A girl like that will leave an indelible imprint on your heart and make a man forget everything and every one but her in the most inconvenient moments. 🙂

      1. Very wise. 😉 Yes, in fact, it is bbq season, then! Thanks for reminding me….gotta get the yard ready, get the landscapers in for a refreshing of the shrubs. Grilling season is, indeed, upon us! 💖

  5. You have a unique ability to share a vision of truth that causes the reader to experience both PAIN and COMPASSION. It is a difficult and sad story; one likely experienced by more people than commonly recognized. I hope your readers comprehend the full impact of your words to help them avoid causing such pain and hardship to others.

  6. So moving, angel. 💙

    We never really do know the pain people conceal and it seems the more cheerful someone is, the more pain they conceal.

    Be well, beautiful lady. You are loved. And you are needed. And you are appreciated. Xo

      1. That isn’t what you called me when I ate all the food off your plate while you were in the restroom, now was it? 😂 xx

      2. lmao yeah. no you didn’t and you know you didn’t. bad little devil.

        😈😈😈

  7. Sadly, such people, including boys too, are in the same situation. If only we weren’t so busy and took the time to see this situation around us and reach and offer a hand and an ear.

    1. Yes, I’ve known boys/men who’ve struggled with suicide attempts, suicidal ideations, and the same kind of pain that girls/women have. Men tend to be more successful in their attempts, sadly. I get what you mean about being so busy we miss the signs. Have a wonderful Sunday. 🙂

      1. Thank you … I very much appreciate you … ‘patient hunger’ will appear I assure you … how could it not given the woman the phrase came from … and given how it relates Sam & Erin’s story. This is turning into quite an emotional day for me!

      2. Well, I don’t really see how it relates to their story, honestly.

        I think patience denotes caring, not strife or conflict.

        Just my opinion, though.

        Between you and me, I don’t think Sam has anything that even remotely resembles “patient hunger” about him.

        All that strife and all those apologies? Just made me sad. He seems to have the opposite of patience and regard. Again, just my opinion.

      3. I guess we all read stories in different ways … and I do tend to allow scope for interpretation in my writing … there is quite a way to go yet of course and I have two potential endings in mind which I might run in a ‘Sliding Door’ way.

  8. I was or have been this woman. I like who I am now, almost all of the time! I thought you were writing to me when I was reading this! Thank you for sharing it is ok to be in darkness, but it is also important to let others in to help you.

    1. and I just reliked/followed you. So, hoping I can get comments I can respond to on my words. I might have missed accepting them–I can only go back two days on WP!

      1. No, I cannot find I the blog anywhere. I can follow this one, but it appears the other is gone. I cannot comment on the message you sent me from there. Do you have a contact link? I do, send me an email if you want. 😊 Please?

      2. Hmm, I wonder if it’s in your Unread section?

        Ha, no worries. We’ve connected now and that is always a good thing! :o))

        I was just saying on your kayak post how you reminded me of Lady Godiva…etc. It was a lovely post and I was touched by the work you put in caring for an ailing parent. I never had to do that, but I see my friends deal with that all the time and it hurts. For many, parents are the heros, so seeing them in decline, I am sure cannot be easy. I admire your poise, grace, and strength, especially as I understand this part of yours and your mom’s journey is so difficult. I stand in awe of you, lady. 🙂 And I will email. Wishing your peace and love on this Sunday. ❤️

    2. Bleh, I am sorry you have been this woman, Kris. It’s not an easy road to travel. I do understand the necessity of allowing others in to help, too. Very wise and sage advice. Thank you! 🙂

  9. I know such girl and I can totally relate with that pain ,if only a single person can fill that void space of love in her she would never curse her life again. Thanks for sharing such amazing piece.

    1. Man, I am totally confused by WP, Pay. Again my sincere apologies for missing yet another beautiful and thoughtful comment from you. I’m am truly touched that you always take the time. I appreciate your class and your patience. Thank you again. I’ll try to be more mindful in the future. Sometimes I release them from spam and they aren’t in my Notification Center, so I miss them. Sorry again, sweet girl! Hugs!

  10. There’s a subtle different between being nice and being good. We would never send our children into harm’s way, but we do it all the time with the angels that come out of our hearts. We have to look out for them – we have to listen to that warning voice in our minds that says “Oh, no, not again!” That’s being good. Being nice is to listen to the hungry voice of the people standing in front of us and let them abuse the angels we surrender to them.

      1. I don’t know. The statement arises from an understanding of relation rooted in Christian mysticism. When we “give of ourselves,” it’s not just an offering of physical energy. There’s psychical energy transferred as well. That energy is sentient – it carries aspects of our personality with it. That’s what I mean by “angels coming out of our heart.” Does that help?

      2. Wow. Yes. That does help. I think I get it now….I had to go back and reread my write and then apply your thoughts to it. Sorry for the disconnect at first.

        If I am understanding you, then I feel that you are absolutely correct and I think the reason I didn’t get it at first is because of its depth, Brian. You hit the nail on the head and keyed into the one thing that brings about the girl’s overwhelming pain, which is giving herself to the wrong men or the wrong kind of attention.

        At some point, she has to stop being triggered by that pain in a way that makes her want to end it all, too, right?

        Thank you so much for your in-depth thought. Trust, I will be coming back to both your comments and marinating on them. They are beautiful and deep, without the fluff. I respect them and I thank you for sharing, truly. ❥

      3. I am relieved that it came across. As a physicist and a mystic, I recognize how much science, with its materialistic models of linear causality, has done to damage women’s self-esteem. You are far more spiritual as beings than men are. I want so much for you to believe in yourselves.

  11. This is quite a tribute to someone special. I know life can be a complicated as hell game for many people, like the one you describe. Really sad, but beautifully written.

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